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My wife and I have been together for 5 years, we have a kid. We’ve seen ups and downs. Recently, she cheated on me. I don’t want to lose her or my child. I love the way my life is. Obviously she doesn’t. We’ve worked through most of it but the pain still comes. I often think about checking her phone for obscure numbers and wanna spy on text messages. This isn’t me. How do I fix myself?
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on Sunday, November 29th, 2009 at 7:36 am and is filed under Answers.
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Hi,
I have found myself in a similar situation recently. I didn’t actually cheated, but was texting and e-mailing and ex very x-rated stuff. I actually don’t know if i would have gone as far as your wife, but the idea was there…until my husband found out.
Now we are working on making things better.
I suppose you have to look at the factors that took her that far: was she unhappy with you? with the marriage itself? Is she going through an age crisis? Talk. That is defnitely the way to help you both. Find out what she expects from now on and set up a trust relationship. You have to trust each other, for better and for worse.
But ultimately, find out if you want to be with her even after all this. I mean be with her because you love her, not for the sake of you child or family. Or out of pity.
Good luck to you both.
It’s not up to you to fix HER huge screw up. She needs to do the work. She needs to prove to you that it won’t happen again and she needs to be an open book. Quit trying to figure out how to fix it, you’re not the one who f**ked up. A betrayal such as this isn’t going to go away overnight so give it some time. Personally, I’d divorce her and try for custody of the child. I wish you the best.
don’t spy because she may not be cheating anymore and if she finds out u spy that will create an argument that u dont want. i think u should go to counseling (marriage and individual). if she really loves u and wants things to work she will do her very best to earn ur trust back, this could take years. if she’s not willing to make things work, then u two should split now before things get wicked and it starts to affect ur child more and way worse than it already will.
i truly hope things work out well for ur family (especially u and ur child). and i hope that it doesnt have to come to divorce if that’s not what u want. a marriage is only worth the time and effort TWO people put into it. u can’t force what is supposed to happen naturally.
all the best
c.
Normal will never be normal again. Snooping, mistrust and anxiety will be the new normal, well at least for a while. This is a traumatic event on your part. She needs to nurse you and the relationship back. Whatever that takes should be allowable and permissible by her.
I have been there. Don’t spy. Tell her if she wants to work it out then she needs to give you access to things like her phone, email etc. willingly until you can trust her again. But you BOTH have to try. If she doesn’t want to then it is not important to her and you need to move on. Easier said than done I know.
I imagine it’s normal to feel that way, but don’t do it. If you do, you are only reinforcing that perspective. You have to make a choice to trust, and give it everything you’ve got! That’s the only thing that will help. It will surely be hard, at first, but it should get easier.
Good Luck to you!
As long as you behave like a doormat your wife will keep walking all over you. You wife cheated and you are the one sounding apologetic.
Man I am with you. I am in the same spot. I try not to think about it and she is working on it too. She calls me and proves she has changed. Hang in there and good luck
Dude, I see only women answering this… But as a man I would say. Confront her! and Leave her. You have to give her the cold shoulder! Thats the only way she will realize that she lost you, and if she misses you and wants to work things out, then you will make a decision.
Why do that??? and you say you dont want to lose her??? well, you already did lose her! When she bedded another dude. And you must have seen IDQs showing before she cheated on you. The cheating part it is just the cherry on top of the big pile of dump, you both created during your relationship.
I know, I’ve been there too. All of us have been there at some point in our lifes.